From double dating to happily ever after
"There are lovers content with longing. I'm not one of them."~Rumi
My beloved husband, James returns home today. He's been in New Zealand for the past ten days visiting his folks. I've been having delightful adventures of my own, but have taken an unexpected (and apparently much needed) sabbatical from my writing and sharing it with others. Although I've ignored my blog and my monthly newsletter, I have been writing.
In the spirit of following my own mission to "Show Up. Be Real. Play Big."and returning to blogging, I'm sharing with you the very condensed version of my memoir that I recently submitted to the Writer's Digest annual writing contest. Three nights ago I read it outloud to an audience of fifty and afterwards several people complimented my story. Three people told me I was brave which I found interesting. Telling the truth requires courage and that was something I didn't have much of a few years back. Lying just doesn't work for me anymore. What works is authenticity, honesty and integrity. They are what leads to love and happily ever after.
"The Girl Who Looked Into the Mirror"
The reflection staring back at her was startling. She saw a beautiful girl whose facial features matched her own, but whose heart was unfamiliar and different than she’d ever known. Many years would pass before she would see this girl again.
It was never my intention to date two men at the same time. Falling and staying in love with just one person usually creates enough emotional chaos to keep the heart occupied. My romantic entanglements began as monogamous adventures, but somewhere along the path towards partnered bliss I became restless and began to hunger for something more. It wasn’t that I wanted to end the relationship I was currently engaged in, I just became more curious about other men. I didn’t actively seek out a second beau, but circumstances always seemed to be in my favor to bring a handsome suitor along and unfortunately, I wasn’t able to resist the temptation.
My two-timing began when I was in college. I had a boyfriend back home who was considerably older than I was and we’d been dating each other for two years prior to my moving away. Despite immersing myself in my studies and a full-time job, it was challenging being away from him and our long-distance love affair was never far from my mind. School and work kept me busy, but distractions of the heart made me miserable. When my confidence ebbed to an all-time low, I made the decision to explore the social side of college life I had so far ignored. I didn’t make a huge effort to get out and meet men, but I was more willing and receptive to having new experiences. Little did I know when I made the choice to be friendlier and forthcoming with the opposite sex, it would open a door of deception and self-delusion that would last fifteen years and be a painful and difficult one to close.
When brief conversations about statistics turned into lengthier chats about life with a guy in one of my classes, something exciting and unexpected happened. I discovered not only was flirting fun, but keeping a secret from the one you love can be incredibly seductive. I became quite smitten with this classmate of mine and despite the existence of my current relationship, my heart’s insistence won me over and I asked him out on a date. By the end of our evening together, I fell in love with my first encounter with infidelity. I felt like a giggly schoolgirl who’d just been given a big push on a swing and is convinced if she continues her swinging she’ll be able to touch the stars with her toes. I still remember laughing out loud in pure delight even though sheer terror was its shadow. A racing pulse and sweaty palms were revealing signs of my newly-found desire and deceit. I couldn’t ignore the sensations in my body nor escape the cloud of guilt that hung close by. They were painful reminders of the other man in my life I’d just betrayed.
The affair lasted more than six months and after many lies told and countless conversations with myself, I chose to be with the man I met in college. Our romance was a lovely, but somewhat tumultuous two years in part because of my reluctance to completely let go of my former partner. When faced with challenging times in our relationship, I turned to the man I used to be with rather than the one I loved and shared a home with now. My dishonesty became a familiar pattern as I would wrestle with this same dilemma in future relationships. For a woman who prided herself in being smart, I was utterly stupid when it came to matters of the heart. I wanted to be in a committed relationship, but the choices I made were contradictory to and incompatible with the very thing I desired. Lust was now paired with loneliness and sex carried shame. I began to long for the kind of love I knew existed, but didn’t know where to find.
Perhaps I tried over the years to somehow convince myself that two relationships were better than one. Even though I felt like a tightly-wound knot about to unravel, the thought of always having someone waiting in the wings so-to-speak was as powerful as a potent drug. Looking back, I think the thrill of possibly being caught was a bigger turn-on than I was willing to admit. I was an adrenaline-filled love junkie and found ways to tolerate the overwhelming thoughts of guilt and grief. The illusion of being in control of two men was strong enough that it kept me from seeing my own reality. I distinctly remember I didn’t want to look at myself in the mirror for long periods of time. The face of a liar and a cheat isn’t a pretty one. Ten more years would pass before I learned to love myself and tell the truth.
Why wasn’t I satisfied being with just one man? What scared me about being alone? Why was I afraid of commitment? What did I really want? I asked myself a lot of questions, but I didn’t listen to the answers. Instead I kept my two-timing lifestyle alive for over a decade. It continued until I realized who I was being was not the person I aspired to be. I had been the woman every man could love, but hadn’t been woman enough to love myself first. It’s startling to see something you haven’t seen before, especially when it’s been right in front of you all along.
Letting go of my heartrending behavior wasn’t an easy thing to do and saying “I’m sorry” wasn’t simple. There was a part of me who would miss the pleasure of the pursuit and the thrill of what many consider taboo. Giving into temptation and giving up on monogamy had been such a provocative and powerful force that it almost convinced me to believe that what I really wanted wasn’t possible for me to have. Apologizing to the men I cheated on and forgiving myself for the mistakes I’ve made has been both painfully revealing and incredibly freeing. Trusting the voice within instead of living a life of lies has made love real for me.
The mirror had been waiting for her to return. The reflection was different this time. The girl who looked into the mirror saw her heart instead of her face and from that moment on, she was never again the same. True love had been found.
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